So Tired, Tired of Waiting On You

This will be a two parter. You have been warned. I hate waiting on people. I absolutely without a doubt hate it. But, I hate being homeless. So something had to give. When I moved to Chicago I didn't know a soul and had to get a job waiting tables. I have a college degree and used to help run a pretty large video advertising department but life being what it is I had to get a table waiting gig. It's a bummer but it keeps the lights on.

For those of you not in the service industry let me lay out a few guidelines:

1) Don't do separate checks for more than three people. If you can't do the simple math that it requires to pay your bill don't go out. When twenty-two people ask for separate checks it is going to take awhile and I will always get screwed on the tip. People that do separate checks are almost always douches. How about you buy this meal and your buddy gets you back next time.

2) Know what you want to drink or eat when I ask. If you don't, just say you need five minutes. If I come back and you don't know in five minutes you are a fool. By the looks of things you have been eating your whole life. How hard is it to decide what to eat or drink?

3) Don't ask to sit at another table. There is a reason you are being sat somewhere. Believe it or not there is someones whole job it is to figure out where to seat people in a restaurant. You asking for another table and then changing to yet another table is fucking things up. If you do move understand that it may be awhile for your server to get to you.

4) If your order comes out wrong, please know that it is not done maliciously. You are but one of around thirty people who I am trying to feed/refill drinks/ensure don't flip out. I am as upset as you because most of the time the I told the kitchen, wrote it down for the kitchen, and spoke directly to the chef. Sometimes things slip by. Give me a few minutes and I will get you a new dish and if you are cool about it probably buy you dessert.

5) Ten minutes before closing don't come in. Sorry, I know it says we are open but I have shut down half the restaurant and have plans. I will not give you good service, your food will be rushed out and we will do everything we can to make you leave.

6) Fifteen to thirty minutes after the restaurant is closed, GET OUT. If you haven't closed the deal by dessert that girl/guy you are taking out is not going home with you. You spending thirty bucks does not mean that you have rented out the entire staff for the rest of the evening. I can't buy a dvd at Best Buy and stay an hour after they are closed, THEY ARE CLOSED. The more you see your server walk by the more it means it is time to get out. GET OUT.

7) Tipping is the only reason I am in the game. If you get bad service by all means don't tip. But if I am adequate or even great let me know. Half that tip is taken by the government. A third of what is left is going to the bar staff, bussers, and hosts. So if you give me $15 I get about $5. I eat a lot of shit for $5.

8) If you ask my opinion on the menu, listen to me. I see the same food go out every day over and over again. If I say "It's not my favorite thing on the menu" it means that whatever is catching your eye is revolting. When you ask my opinion on wine please know that I spend most of my evening drinking it just so I can pretend that you are more than a $5 tip.

9) If I forget something or mix something up, it's not because I hate you. I am busy. Let me know in a polite manner and I will return with whatever you need. Again, if you are lucky I may be able to get you dessert. This whole dessert thing is the only power that I have, sorry.

10) If you go out with a friend and they act like a dick to their waiter it's because they are in fact, a dick. This is a huge sign of someones character. If you are decent to me I will tell you what's good that night, maybe get the bartender to poor a little extra in your drink, and maybe, just maybe get you that dessert I keep talking about.

Next up I will discuss why all people in the service industry are out of their minds and you may have a reason to be concerned with you brings out your food.

By With A Little Help From My Friends

Holy God, (whom I don't believe exists) do I have an amazing group of friends. I have a small but loyal following of people all over the world. From Alberta to Western Australia there are people that I think (most of the time) are people that care about me in a significant way. Each one of them has helped me and I hope that at some point I have been able to help them.

For the most part I am a asshole, pure and simple. I'm abrasive, judgmental, and on my best days barely tolerable. For some reason certain people have decided I'm alright. To all of you I tip my hat and want you to know how fucking cool that is. Thanks. Thanks to all of you.

My ship folks made me grow up, showed me the world, and pulled out of the worst days of my life. Nights in Venice, days in Santorini, and endless conversations in the crew bar. We had the best time. Our most dull and boring days would have been the highlights of most peoples lives. We lived a life that no one will ever understand and that we still don't appreciate. Shilick and Darlington are the best roommates that any person could have hoped for. You have seen me at my best and worst. Yet, we always had a good time. October, you taught me how not to be a dumb American. Katich, you and I have been through more together than anyone could imagine. Ship folk, I love and miss you all. Bush Pig, I miss having a big sister who always knew what's best for me. My fellow penguin, you really ought to move to Chicago. Macperhson, you are the nicest person I have ever met.

Chicago, thanks for making me feel at home. Sparta, Brando, Jay and Cathy. You bought the new kid a shot and never let him drink alone. Wolves, you taught me how to perform and took me out on the coldest day of the year. I hope we can get it back together someday. Westhoff, you, me, and Mallort are a dangerous combination. Coach did more for me than a year and a half of classes ever did. I showed up on a rainy day in May and by June I had a life here and more friends than I could have hoped for.

This summer I have more talented, decent, hilarious people than I can believe. Who knew that my cousin is the smartest person I have ever met? Endless parties, Rock Band, You Tube, DCM in NYC, what an amazing four months. Owens, you never say no and always have a better (and more interesting) ideas than I ever do. I hope that we continue to have poor choices for the rest of our days. My sister and brother have turned into the best people I know.

The point of this whole thing is to let all of you know how fucking cool you all are and how much I owe you. This isn't a morose thing. I just wanted to you all to know how great a time I have with all of you. I dream of a day where ever single one of you could get together.

Good For Awhile

Why do people endeavor to do something? Is it something internal or external? Does the drive come from ourselves? Or are we just trying to impress people? At the base level something has to be intrinsically self satisfying. Just getting through the maze should be enough. More realistically it's outside forces that make us do anything. Get out of the maze, hit the bar, get some food. Thanks Pavlov.

What if you can't get through the maze? In your head you know you are doing everything the scientists told you to do in order to traverse your little paper dungeon. But you keep getting stuck. Or what if you are getting through the maze and jumping up and down on the fucking button and no food is coming out? I have heard some people blame the other mice. I don't think it's their fault at all. We are all trying to get through the maze some of us just approach it differently.

How long does one continue bumping into the same walls before you kindly excuse yourself and get out of the maze? Talking to a lot of friends everyone seems a little burned on the way things are going as of late. How can we define a new maze for ourselves? Or better yet stop running around looking for something that may not even be there.

Interpreting Trent

A friend likes to remind me of a a Chuck Klosterman quote that pertains to an artist being unable to control how people view their art. I have always wanted to believe that if you make a strong enough point that whatever you do is unassailable. Recent events have proven me wrong.

Saturday night about halfway through one of the last (till he needs money) Nine Inch Nails shows I was kind of miserable. I love NIN and have loved them as long as I can remember. But the fans that were at this show made the whole thing almost unwatchable. The first rule of show going was being flaunted more than I had ever seen in my life. Almost the entire crowd was wearing NIN shirts. We get it. You like the band. I like the band. We all like the band. If we didn't we wouldn't be at the show. Looking around I had the feeling that a lot of the people in the crowd switch out their NIN shirt with a Limp Bizket shirt on the weekends.

Thanks, fat-sweaty guy (which was 1/3 of the crowd) dancing out of time to the music while at the same time flinging sweat on everyone around him. Thanks, guy next to us screaming the lyrics in his girlfriend's ears. Thanks, skinny douche talking about everything but the show in front of us. The whole show was a real who's who of who I wouldn't ever want to run into again.

This really hit home during the last song. Trent is doing Hurt for the last time. This is it. Last song of the last show we are all ever going to see. It's building and at first people are singing along and it is a really great moment. Then during the verses people start yelling such bon mots as "Get angry Trent" and "Fuck Yeah". A song about loneliness, disappointment, and loss really needs this.

I get why the guy doesn't want to perform. If these were my fans I would have stopped a long time ago. I have some complaints about the show as a whole but I think the thing that really killed me was that NIN fans suck. I know that makes me sound like an elitist but fuck sake. I wouldn't want to sit on a public bus with any of them, let alone watch a show for two hours. This may be why I love the live DVD's more than any NIN show I have seen. Or I could just be a pretentious asshole.