The Guest

In the next few weeks I get the chance to live on both sides of an equation. I am hosting my sister for a week and then I am staying with a cousin for a few days. Both these things present certain problems. Well maybe not for a normal well adjusted person but this is me we are dealing with. I live life at creep factor ten.

Hosting a guest can be a huge problem. What do I feed them? Where should they sleep? How can I keep them entertained? I can never remember if my sister is a veg or not. So do I go shopping now or wait and take her? Do I sleep on the air bed or does she? She has visited before so many of my touristy fallback moves are going to be useless. Yikes. Compounding things, she is bringing a fella. Is he a boyfriend? Do I let them stay together? Do I maintain some late night vigil protecting what I hope is my sisters innocence? Sitting between them on the couch and speaking in loud tones about the dangers of communicable diseases could be fun.

My sister is now twenty-one. I can get all legally shitty with my little sister. Part of me thinks this would be hilarious. But it could also be awful. Do I really want to see my baby sister throw up a tequila shooters on my lawn? Do I want her to see me vomit, call an ex girlfriend, fall asleep, and piss in the hall closet? There are a whole lot of land mines that I am going to have to navigate. We are going to Lollapolooza together. Does my sister get high?

Now the flip side. I am going to NYC and staying with a second cousin of mine. Not even a cousin-cousin, a second cousin. This actually may be a good thing now that I think about most of my first cousins. We email back and forth but have not really seen each other in ten years. I am staying with her for four days in a city I have only visited. Now do I go all touristy on my own? How many meals am I responsible for? Do I bring a gift? How many times should I offer to pay for things? Does my cousin get high?

Several friends from Chicago are going to be in NYC as well. They are staying all over the city and I could always hit them up if things go south. But I can not let things go south. This is family we are dealing with here. I fuck up and it will be reported back to all my relatives only confirming their belief that I am a creep. Do I make her hang out with my friends or do I hang out with her friends? Either way someone is going to feel out of place.

Fuck it. I am locking the door canceling my flights and renting Dexter.